This was a post from a few months ago when I was really green. It does, however, follow my strange pattern of random destruction....
The Scourge that is Mom Brain - June 14, 2011
I will write this in an intention, action and result format to indicate my good will.
Intention: To prevent myself and the boy from being carjacked.
Action: Asked Henry's Dad to lock myself and the boy in the car while he went to get a few groceries.
Result: While attempting to get to the crying boy in the back, I activated my car alarm with no way to shut it off.
Intention: To soothe my crying baby.
Action: While quickly exiting the car to try to get into the back (which is inaccessible due to the alarm), accidentally and unknowingly placed Blackberry on roof of the car.
Result: Strange, unidentified vibrating sound while sitting in the car waiting for Henry's Dad to return with keys to turn alarm off, which has now terrified the boy and shot my nerves.
Intention: To leave the supermarket parking lot quickly without further incident, failing to identify the strange vibrating sound, coming from somewhere in the car.
Action: Henry's Dad drives away, merging into rush hour traffic.
Result: Vibrating sound stops as small black object flies off of the roof nearly causing car accident.
Intention: To retrieve what we now know is my Blackberry from Grandview highway.
Action: Henry's Dad wading into highway speed rush hour traffic to retrieve the 3 pieces.
Result: Mom brain strikes again.
The second story here comes with a content warning. If you are a man, particularly one without children, this will likely make you at least uncomfortable, and at worst, will make you never want to have children. Or a girlfriend. Or you may just want to lie in the fetal position.
Anyways, here goes:
To Soothe a Crying Baby - June 9, 2011
My partner was to be away one night for several hours, and Henry had started to be fussier in the evenings. Henry's Dad left at 5 and was to return around 10:30 PM. Promptly upon his departure, Henry started to yell (he doesn't really cry at first, it's more like yelling). So I attempted to feed him. He ate a little bit but wasn't really into it. So I tried to burp him. He burped initially and then projectile vomited through his mouth and nose all over himself and myself. Once I had this cleaned up he actually gave me 10 minutes of respite during which I inhaled my dinner.
After graciously waiting for me to finish, he started to really cry. We tried swaddling, rocking, walking, bouncing on the exercise ball, a warm bath, singing, dancing and finally attempts at reasoning and bargaining for about the next 3 hours, at which point I decided to take him out for a walk...he usually sleeps in the stroller.
Instead of his usual bit of complaining and then stroller coma, he yelled at all of the neighbours for 45 minutes of walking around the neighbourhood and people looking at me like I had put broken glass in the stroller with him.
While yelling, he managed to kick his legs out of the legs of his sleeper and kept getting them lodged in the body part, causing the back of the neck to put him in a backwards choke hold. At one point, after I had remedied this several times, he managed to get both legs sticking out of different snapper holes in the body of the sleeper and nearly taking his head off with the neck of the sleeper. At this point, I ripped it off of him and swaddled him in the blanket I had brought. All of a sudden, he is asleep. Victory is mine!
But alas, my first period had started that morning and I notice at this point that my tampon has epically failed and I have blood running down the insides of both my legs. So, as the boy is now asleep, I seriously debate continuing to walk around the neighbourhood this way, however, ultimately decide the neighbours are scared enough at this point and head home. He remains asleep for approximately 3 minutes after our arrival.
The following hour and a half sees a call to my mother, and eventually a rigging of my hairdryer beside his crib and the white noise soothes the little beast for nearly 20 minutes. He starts up again, so I give up, lie in bed with him and just let him scream. His dad rolls in at 10 PM; I hand Henry to him and he is asleep within 47 seconds.
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